things i would obliterate to make MY world a better place!

There are certain things about today’s world I dislike. Then there are some things that I hate. And then there are SOME things that I wish were eradicated from the space/time continuum. Such as:

1) Cell phones…I know, I’ve heard all of the arguments. What a convenience! What a safety feature! What a wonderful way to stay in touch! Except, what’s the point of staying in touch? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been in a store and overheard some big cow on a cell phone saying,” Where are you, I’m in the bread aisle. Oh, you’re in canned goods? I can’t see you.” Well, get the hell off of the phone and go find him, bimbo. And even worse, people driving down the road and talking on a phone…WHAT could they possibly have to say that’s so important that they can’t wait till they’re stationary? Humanity made it all through history up till this point without being on the phone 24 hours a day. And even worse than worse, the people who think they have to speak in a dull roar and share with everyone around them the details of their dreary lives…GET OVER IT! Which sort of brings me to number two on my list:

2) Reality TV shows. I don’t care who you are, no one’s life is that interesting. I don’t care about your emotional crises, the twists and turns of your love life or if you hate your best friend. These shows are like a slow brain cancer, you can just see them eating away at the collective intelligence of the human race. 10 more years of this shit and we’re ALL going to look like Tori Spelling. And if that’s not scary enough, we’ll all have her IQ. Blow up your TV!

3) Sweat pants. In theory, these were a really good idea. Just imagine being out somewhere and seeing some hunky guy going commando in sweats, his meat flopping around and being outlined by the jersey fabric, then when he’s walking away watching the fabric mold to his melon shaped buns and define his sweet crack. Well, welcome to the real world. Usually sweat pants are stretched over an ass approximately as broad as the wearer is tall. And if there’s any meat flopping around in the front, you’d never know because the pants are in size “King Kong 1x” and even if you were John Holmes your dick would be lost in the folds of fabric. They’re ugly, they’re un-sexy and I don’t care how “comfortable” they may be, they make you look like a clown. Abolish them! But, you know what’s worse?

4) Basketball short. Where in the hell did this fashion come from? Ugly baggy shorts made of cheap fabric that only comes in one unflattering length. Why not just give yourself do-it-yourself plastic surgery if your goal is ugliness? 99.99% of the human race looks like an idiot wearing these things and since they’ve been popular, I’ve only noticed on guy who looked good in them. Of course, he was about 18, the shorts were comparatively close fitting and he had a thick dick that was about 8 inches soft flopping around under them. But he would have looked good walking around in a body bag, so there you go!

5) Hip hop music. The equivalent of aural rape. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s shit. Banal lyrics in doggerel rhymes, set to music that makes you want to jab a fork in your ears. And seeing older artists and white artists trying to be current by participating in this crap is more than a little sick making. Does anyone think that George Gershwin, were he alive today, would be enthralled by hip-hop? He’d probably be borrowing the fork I just finished jabbing myself in the eardrums with so he could have his turn.

6) Hover rounds…you know, those electric carts that people with disabilities ride around in. Except, that’s not how it really is. Every time you see one being used, it’s by some big old monstrous creature whose ass is so big it practically drags the floor. Being fat is not a disability, get up and walk! If you need a hover round to get around the store because you’re so obese that you can’t walk, you shouldn’t be out buying more food in the first place! Leave the hover rounds for people who have a legitimate disability and exercise your big ass by walking for a change.

7) Saggers. Does anyone really think this is attractive? Walking around with pants so low that your boxers are on display and you have to walk like you’re suffering hip displacement? Sure, if you’ve got some cute, perky little buns, I’ll look. But, I’d rather see them encased in a nice tight pair of 501’s and not have to watch you walk around with the grace of a Neanderthal. What’s even more amusing is when a habitual sagger is wearing a pair of reasonably well fitting pants and still walking with their legs akimbo and clutching their waist band. And white boy saggers, now come on!

8) Hunters. There once was a time when a man provided for his family by going out, killing something and bringing it home to eat. Then, god created supermarkets. Very few people, unless they live in Bugfuck, Montana or Eastjesus, Wyoming aren’t able to get food from a store. But still, you’ve got all of these idiots running around with guns and slaughtering innocent creatures. I don’t care, it really doesn’t matter how many animals you kill, it doesn’t make your dick any bigger. I know a lot more people who I’d like to see with an arrow through their heart or gnawing their leg off in a leg hold trap than any single animal I can think of. One of the highlights of my day, every day, is watching the herds of deer come through my yard with their babies…then I go out into the real world and watch a the herds of pimpled greasy slobs and their ill mannered heathen children running rampant everywhere else. I’ve been reading a lot about the increasing number of fatal attacks by animals against humans…hopefully, someday the scale will balance out!