Wow... So that happened...
Had a phone date with someone earlier this week... We had been chatting over email earlier in the day. He requested that we take the conversation over the phone later that evening.
Okay, I figure he’s smart in doing so. Words conveyed mean so much more when you hear it in context of the speaker’s tone, etc. right? Bonus points to him.
We had an enjoyable conversation. The next day, I send him a link to *this* profile. Honestly, (1) I was debating sending it to begin with and (2) I meant to preface it to give it context.
So, whoops, sent it as a plain link with no explanation. A few mins later, I get a response that we might not be a good fit as I seemed like a “sexual addict.”
What? Huh? Took me a min. Talk about coming from left field.
So yeah needless to say, the aggression and all was pumping thru my veins. Sex addict? First off, I need to be having sex for that to be true...
I read the comment just as I was going to visit my aunt to help her out with tech stuff and various fix ups in her apartment. In the hour-long train ride in another part of the city, of course my mind was festering in hurt, shock, awe... Whatever that was...
So I get to my aunt’s and fix her computer and assemble her other house stuffs. Two hours of spending time with her not thinking about the curve ball earlier did wonders for my mood.
In the train ride home, I realized that the profile I sent him had links to my blog, etc. So I guess that’s where he started forming said opinion?
I did disclose that I was a romance (and sometimes erotic) author. And yeah, I’m a gay guy in his mid-30s. I *haz* desires.
Said desires lean more on the companionship/connection side. And given that guys can tend to think with their little brains (as proven by my 20s), yeah, I get that an occasional caress (or grope) might be a way to communicate concern or affection.
To his credit, he did fire back an email later in the evening. He acknowledged that his comment might have been too harsh. And that he meant no harm. Backhanded apology? Don’t know. Not really interested in analyzing his side as much as my response for future encounters.
So, I am a romance novelist. Yeah, I publish some vignettes every so often. Should I change the fact that I disclose this side of me? I don’t feel that that’s necessary.
He introduced himself as an accountant. So as an accountant, I felt that he might have reserved a bit more judgement before commenting. It’s an auditing standard, after all. He might have gathered a bit more evidence. That’d be helpful.
But then again, making own assumptions might put me back in the same place I’m accusing him of. Maybe he studied the finance side and he might not have taken the Auditing course as part of his degree?
One of the reasons I’m more attracted to older guys is that I have a lot of old-fashioned values. On a few occasions, I’ve seen couples in their grandpa age and thought, Wow... They must’ve gone through a lot together Stonewall to the repeal of DOMA.
Sure, one of the grandpas was admiring the 40-something gogo bear dancing in his Speedos. But my eyes were more drawn to the other guy. He was aware of his partner’s eyes admiring Speedo bear, but he really was okay with it. I want that someday. I saw myself in their shoes: admiring a gorgeous specimen of manhood but not being bothered to act on it as I have something better to come home to.
So yeah, I guess it’s good that dude and I didn’t connect this weekend. Do I really want to build something with someone who, in my opinion, jumps to a conclusion a little too quickly? Not really. But sure as hell, it stings a little. He sounded like a nice guy otherwise.
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In your last post you ruminate on whether you're putting too much out there. If you're meeting men online, you're putting bits and pieces of yourself out there. We all want to put our best foot forward for a good first impression, but with sharing your interests(i.e., writing and blogging) you're sharing an important part of what you're about. I say go for it--if it's something that a man does not like, it's best for him to find out before you move further along.
I'm secure in the fact that his comments were not really relevant... Was more stung about the fact that I connected with a guy that seemed different... Someone more interested in building on a connection/attraction...
If I'm reading your comment correctly, you're right in saying "so what" with regards to the terminology itself... I'd *love* to be a slut to my eventual partner... But I see myself as a "slut for one" guy... And yeah, a judgement speaks both to the one judged as well as to the one judging...
I guess I haven't conveyed what I intended more clearly. After the initial "what the hell" phase, I started thinking more along the lines of "should I change my own methods?" and "do I reveal too much on the initial phases of meeting someone?"
My conclusion, for now at least, is that I'm not about to change for ONE person, esp early on... Maybe dial down on the disclosures a tiny bit, sure... But I one of the things I admired in him was the honesty; he himself disclosed some rather private information and I wanted to respond in kind. Sending him this profile was my response along that nature and I was more pissed at the fact that he didn't recognize that -- or at least respond with greater tact...
To his credit, he did admit that he has a more private/puritanical view of sharing one's thoughts. I mean I would've been ready for thoughts like "I would appreciate you not posting about us together" and respected that request. But the quip on being addict was totally left field.
But yeah... Thanks for replying. You've hit on a few things that answers my questions as to whether certain thpughts or processes were coming across...