I am still trying to sort this out in my mind. So, if what I write here sounds confusing it is because I am in search of more meaning on the topic than I have words to adequately express myself. Any input will be appreciated.
First the background. I have been searching for an understanding of why it is that there is such a difference between the way women act and the way men act. If a woman has a girlfriend there is no presumption that her relationship has any sexual connotation at all. If a man were to have a boyfriend it would automatically be assumed that their relationship is sexual and very "gay." Women will have their "girl's night out" and that is accepted as normal behavior between women. If a man were to announce that "tonight is guy's night out" it would automatically raise eyebrows, a snicker and perhaps even a snide comment about it being "gay."
Some time ago, I read some material about President Abraham Lincoln and the speculation of whether he was gay because he shared a bed with another man when traveling. The writer said that boarding houses back in those days often afforded travelers a bed that had to be sharee and this was taken as normal. What happened in our society in the last 100 years or so to cause us to think that behavior that was normal in the "olde days" is now behavior with a sexual connotation?
Over the last 6-months I have been attending a program referred to as "Men's Group Spiritual Direction." The reason I landed in that forum was that it is part of my continuing quest to find men who can provide support like only a man can. Put a woman in the equation and the mix changes dramatically. I have a lot of women in my life and, frankly, feel oppressed! Nothing against women but the reality is that women think differently, take in the world differently, and express themselves and arrive at conclusions/decisions in ways totally different from me! I need affirmation from another man that my life's experiences are "on track" or something not unlike that of other men.
Last night was my sixth session in that 6-month program. We decided to postpone further meetings until mid-September. At one point our facilitator made a comment "what happened to filial?" He was making reference to relationships between men which is not "Eros." He distinguished one from the other as something that has been identified by philosophers and others in the early church from as far back as 1167. By what he said it was clear that what I have been in search of is nothing new! Men have been looking for male support since as far back as that time! He said that the church took this "male relationship" form into monasteries and, over time, there were abuses. The abuses were so significant that the church mandated removal of such "male support" to be "out there" (meaning in society - NOT within the monasteries).
Well I know enough about church history to know that male sexuality is and always has been a struggle for the church to deal with (talk about an understatement!). But, I wasn't sure what "filial" and "Eros" being used in the same statement had to do with a guy like myself seeking a forum for men to support each other when sex isn't even on the agenda.
The word "filial" has the following meaning: "pertaining to or befitting a son or daughter: filial obedience." A second meaning is "bearing the relation of a child to a parent." A third meaning of the term has to do with the genealogical descent of a child (e. g., Filial #1, Filian #2 and so forth).
The word "Eros" refers to "the Greek god of love, identified by the Romans with Cupid."
So when I see a guy's profile referring to "Eros" I surmise that he is promoting "love" - meaning "male sex." The meaning is clear.
Where my facilitator went off track in the hurried up end to our marathon meeting last night was in his use of the term "filial." That didn't connect in meaning for me... Frankly, he and the other guys in my "Men's Group Spiritual Direction" have been seeking the same as myself - a forum for men to come together without sex being the driving force behind the connection.
It is easy to dismiss the differences between women and how they behave compared to men acting in any similar fashion as simply a "cultural" thing. That, it seems to me, is simplistic. Isn't it possible that men can come together for support in any context without the presumption that what they are doing is "gay?" Must it only be the "men's winter bowling league" where a man can find safe haven without a social stigma?
My facilitator offered a book he authored that might provide some answers. The book is "Pillars of Steel" (How real men draw strength from each other). The author is Brian J. Plachta. I plan to buy it and read it before September when my men's group spiritual sessions begin anew.
When I referred to the "Thursday night bowling league" I was referring to the routine of going through the numbers with the same people... every week, same time, same location, week in and week out... There was always lots of beer and lots of cigarette smoking but little in substantive sharing (and I am NOT referring to sex). At least, this is what I saw as a youth when my dad and my uncle went bowling...
One thing I did gain from my Men's Spirituality Direction Group meetings was some suggestion about not having to look too long or too far to find ways to connect... I guess I always knew that... what I find tho is
- I am unchurched, and thus there are no groups of men to connect with in that venue
- while I have a lot of volunteer experience in my backgroun, I am not currently volunteering anywhere (though I did complete hospice training I declined volunteering there because it was 40 miles just to get there one way - with all the traveling and the actual volunteering time it would kill a day)
- the people at work only tolerate each other - they have their established gatherings (one guy, his wife and another female employee gather for breakfast once weekly and two guys in another office bowl together weekly). Even if there was interest these people do not have the money to invest in a beer and chit chat... But the same people will devote Wed night to a church meeting...
- I have deferred joining a veterans group for a lot of reasons - my impression is that there is a lot of posturing that really turns me off - huff and puff about this and that which changes nothing and is said only to build one up in terms of past glories and successes... and I have the notion that the expense if perhaps more than what I want to incur in an organization that will result in more work, and less connection of the variety I think I seek...
So, Davidbear - in a sense I do box myself in - you are absolutely correct. What I look for is perhaps not there - I need simply to relax, quit looking and just go where the spirit moves...
Beht had a lot of profound thoughts and great meaning in his comments. I think it is absolutely correct that men and women are different - in the way they think about the world, how they integrate the world into their being and how they translate that world to others. Among women emotions are often very visible and easily shared. Among men emotions are restrained, internalized and not easily expressed or shared. For a man to express such emotions to a woman is somehow perceived as a man with a "girly" nature. It is the straightjacket of expecting men to only act, say, or behave in prescribed ways - any variation somehow will raise an eyebrow or be cause to suspect the guy is "less manly" or (Gawd forbid!) "gay." In my world prejudice is very real - if I say "I am joining the guys for men's night out" I will get a snicker and a snort in reply. If I say I am going out to play disc golf and have a beer there is no question and no suspicion.
Bearlyy - having male friends is important. I have male friends who I get naked with but only one has any interest in actually talking and sharing ideas. He is genuinely unique in that respect. That friendship means a lot because there is more to it than just sex (which for a variety of reasons isn't very often). There is an element of respect and trust between us - that probably trumps all other aspects of the relationship I have with him. With other male friends - those who I occasionally hook up with and those I don't - the connection is more superficial and limited.
I came to the conclusion years ago that one will be extremely fortunate to go through life and be able to claim a few friends. A "few friends" is a lot different than "one, true, friend" because friendship comes in all varieties - whether in a group setting or on a one-on-one setting. One, true, friend would be nice. I could go to my grave and feel good if that were ever to happen. But until the day I die maybe life is what it is and without the benefit of reflecting on a life lived and with whom I will never know...
C'est la vie!
Thanks for everyone's comments!
everysooften
west Michigan