Why does it hurt so much?

The other day was unique...
You picked me up.
Wanted to share a special moment.

Being with you was special enough
But another person was with us
And we all shared a special moment.

Ever since then my heart has been aching.
One might call it "empty."
Because what could have been... wasn't.
nearly as special as you or I hoped...

I've been thinking and asking myself why
And all I can come up with
is what I think of when I think of you
And me...
and our special moments.

It doesn't take a third to make a
special memory
It only takes you and me, together
Even to think of sharing you, hurts

Call me selfish. I just don't know
why it hurts so much...


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  • There is a third, a third I met on DD. A dear third who is now very, very close to me. A separate voice who listened, shared, but mostly was there for me at a point of crisis. He helped me reached the other side 'or at least I hope I'm there.' You see, I am in a twenty-five year relationship with my spouse. He is truly the finest person I've ever met in my life and for some odd reason his feelings have been and are reciprocal of me. We have been there for each other participating in the Gay Games, Gay square dance conventions, travel, and we work together. We helped each other at different times to get through major cancers, and continually feather a nest to hold our growing love.

    The differences in our ages had meant little, but later that 'little' and a non-terminal progressive condition has pulled something out of our lives together that was so special, admittedly more for me (I enjoyed the seventies to the fullest and hold away in a closet my very first Mineshaft member's card... I had many). The tension began in 'me.' I was no longer a part of a world of men who touch, and excite, and create places that no video game creator could have any way to imagine or simulate. Time was not the healer it was supposed to be.

    The third was a separate mind (a very beautiful one) who, through a string of events, opened up something in me that was kept alongside that cover-stock, light blue, dog eared membership card. I am not young... nor, am I old. Through correspondence between we two men- he telling me his pain and I telling him mine- I gained the courage to have my spouse read the electronic volley. I forewarned, no, informed my spouse of what was going on during the EMails' development. He learned about the third man. When the written communications reach a point of conclusion my spouse read it.

    It was hard... for both of us. And we talked, and he had a professional read it as well... Sometimes we need to change to remain the same... He is everything he always was to me. He is the man I married. He is my one true love and I know I am his. Time is not a blind justice. It is not equal for all.

    An important part of love is respect and understanding. Both my DD 'pen pal' and I still write... I have never met him in person however both my Spouse and I hope to some day. All I can end with here is this, 'It's not whom you go to be with that matters, It's who you wake up with that does.' I have never once regretted being awakened by my spouse with a kiss and a "Breakfast is almost ready."
    MachineToole 05/20/2012 10:16 PM
  • I wish to add my 3 cents to your HURT! A feeling has to be mutual I have had 2 great loves in my life and the last I currently live with, Ben, we met just over a year ago he is 79 and I am 63, we got to know one another on the Internet, but then really talked alot on the phone, then we met, wham, bam, boom it was better than the 4th of July buddy! It was true love! Right from the get go though we agreed to an open relationship, because Ben had friends but I had left mine pretty much, but we found we didn't need or want anyone else, we didn't need them, together we had everything. A match has to be that way, if one or the other strays it only comes back to hurt the other, we don't want that in our lives. Being Gay is not easy we unfortunately always have our unknown stranger fantasy, wish you created the first time you grabbed your dick and got the numbing wonderful feeling and all that white stuff came pumping out like a sky rocket going off.
    This fantasy is always our first love, we can satisfy ourselves without anyone, but it leaves us unfullfilled why? Because we miss the companionship and passion another gives us. As a Poet & Writer, and I lecture to Colleges on the subject of Growing older as a Gay Man. Times have changed where we use to have to cruise parks and restrooms, gay bars, even store restrooms, the Internet has taken that pursuit of chase away, made it easier to gain your prey.
    But for some gay men the hunger for SEX is strong in them and they just can't get satisfied in a monogomist situation, at one time I was just that way, it was terrible to live with, but the drive was so strong in me for SEX, even though I loved my partner that doing it with a stranger was stronger than our love for one another, until I met Ben, and I talked to him and told him everything about me, the hunger, and need for SEX, well he understood, as he also struggled with it, and I have met and talked with thousands now and they all say pretty much the same thing. The only hope is with true love between two who want it more than the hunger, this Ben and I have. Anyone can have it, but you need to sit down and talk it out, be open and honest with one another, discuss every thing even the one subject no one ever wants to talk about life after death. Ben and I have taken care of all our affairs, now and after, we share everything and we know we are comfortable together. So if you really love this guy, don't write blogs, go to a quiet place like your place sit and have a nice romantic dinner, and talk, don't just race right to bed, don't let SEX be what your relationship is all about, because if SEX is the Power in your relationship, it will always betray you for another. I hope this helps in some little way, but I have been hurt almost as many times as I have Loved! Now I don't worry about anything when I get ready for bed Ben is next to me, we kiss tell each other we love one another, and fall fast asleep.

    Walt & Ben
    oldloggerbear2 05/20/2012 06:14 PM
  • I FULLY AGREE WITH YOU. A SPECIAL MOMENT CAN BE SHARED BY ONLY HE 2 OF YOU. IF THE OTHER PERSON NEEDS A 3RD THERE FOR IT TO BE SPECIAL. THEN I GUESS HES TELLING YOU THAT YOUR NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH. WHAT A FOOL.
    NOW IF IT WERE ME I WOULD LOVE TO SHARE VERY SPECIAL MOMENT IN TIME WITH YOU. YOUR A VERY SEXY HANDSOME MAN.
    STETSON 05/20/2012 11:31 AM