Over the time I have been active in my involvement with men and sex... I have come to know an aspect of men that I had not considered. I am, therefore, guilty of failing to think through this completely.
The first guy was a fellow I met about 3 years ago. He was in his late 30s and was partnered with a guy probably twice his age. His partner required constant care. I had not conceived of the idea that one man could be so dedicated to another man that he would be willing to devote his days to the total care of another man. For whatever reason the idea stunned me. After all, this was a virile young guy and he was not getting everything he was looking for in that relationship. Or so I thought (assumed). This guy was just fantastic. He did not think twice about what he was doing or, for that matter, what he got in return. His dedication for his partner was (so I came to believe) based on love alone.
My lack of sensitivity or understanding in this matter was probably clouded by life's experience. That experience always was that when it came to caring for a parent it typically is a woman - not one of the boys. Women tend to be, after all, nurturers and care givers by nature. Culturally, my limited thinking about it was that men did not provide care - that was a job for a woman.
Then I came to meet another fellow. This guy has been in the US for 25 years and is an illegal. He came here from Venezuela. He too has a partner probably about 30 years older than he is. His partner had a stroke and required tremendous time in rehabilitation and care giving. Without hesitation this guy provided the care needed and while things were on the edge for a while, the partner is doing well at this time. Again, my friend from Venezuela is giving the care his partner needs and doing it without any thought at all about what is in it for him. Once again, I realized it was/is love that inspired his dedication.
Occasionally I will read a profile about a guy who lost his partner and there is some discussion about the time leading up to the death and the way his life changed. I am very moved when I read such accounts. Always, I am inspired and in awe at the love that must have been present in such a relationship.
Yet a third guy I know shared with me his experience with his partner. He had been with his partner for over 20 years. His partner was a retired police officer and in his last 6-months or so required significant personal care. Yet, my friend (45 at the time) provided for his partner with sincere dedication and love. His story was very moving and every now and then I think about the story he shared and am humbled by what I recall he told me.
I don't know why I never thought of one man caring for another man as often is the case when a daughter cares for a parent. I guess it is because until I became involved with men at a different level I really never had occasion/reason to think about such things.
I am tremendously moved and inspired by the dedication of men who would care for another man especially when the end of life is approaching and the level of personal care is so intense.
It goes without saying that we are all creatures of our culture. That includes the assumptions we make about each other. It certainly includes a whole set of bias and prejudice. I must hasten to add that it also reflects the knowledge about others when the others are not in our own sphere of life's experiences.
Just thought I would share with the community of men on this site some things I learned about myself thanks to having met three fine men whose lives are more complete for what they have done for their partner in life. Until I met them I was guilty of failing to think through that situation in any fashion - now, at least, I admit to knowing a whole lot more about what life is really all about.
everysooften
west Michigan
I am guilty of failing to think through this completely
While chatting with a guy from Canada recently I heard his story of caring for his dying lover. It was cancer and he was bedridden for 6 months, needing increasing amounts of care with each passing month. Not only did this guy step up to the plate and do all he could to keep his lover at home, he also eventually hired a nurse for the daytime hours when he was at work. When his lover was finally on his death bed in a coma at a hospice center, the man's family came on the scene. They tried to make this man's life miserable. While the two lovers had lived together, he had never seen two of the three siblings, but at this vulnerable time they made sure he was marginalized and they proceeded to exclude him from inheritance following the death. I'm uncertain of how many years ago this was, but the sadness of this story is offset by this man's continuing love for his guy. The best term I've ever heard for one who cares for another with love no matter what the obstacles is "helpmate." It says a lot about how love goes beyond romance into caring in the real world where not everything is roses and valentines.
Not that you need another tale of caregiving, but I'm one of those men who care for other men. My parter of 28 years transitioned in 2008. I hate the word died. Death just ends a life not a relationship. I've "moved on"...hate that phrase too. What you're learning is that when you love someone you do what you do. It's not a duty, it's not an obligation. It's just what you do. In my journey since I've fallen "in love" with another man who suffers from depression. I take care of him and deal with the daily crap that happens. Could I walk away? Sure. What I know is that these men are in my life for a reason. I don't have to understand the reason. If I say I love you to someone, then that's what I do. Hell, I'm no picnic, but I am true to my word. So when I hear the politicians spout their views on "family values" I just smile and know they don't have any values...just image. Know that love is real and that when we find it we're fuckin' lucky.