UNBEARABLE PAIN
For well over a year, my cat has been dealing with kidney failure. It's pretty common with older cats. I was treating her with medication and diet and for the most part she was responding pretty well. For the last week she was not eating very well and spending a lot of time sleeping. It's when she started having diarrhea that I took her back to the vet. I left her overnight and was told that she had pancreatitis and possibly cancer. I adopted Daisy from the shelter here in Boston in 2003, she was 3 years old at the time. For the last 12 years she's been by my side. She's been with me for most of my 13 years of sobriety. She was with me when I lost my mother. She truly was my best friend and I thought it would be selfish on my part to put her through any more test, and quite frankly I couldn't bear to see her suffer anymore. I sat in a room with her and held her tight for about 45 minutes before I told the doctor I was ready. As I held on to my dear friend the doctor administered the drugs that put her into a sleep and than took her life. In a matter of seconds my dear friend was gone. Needless to say I cried through that ordeal and hardly stopped since. I feel overwhelmed with grief unlike anything I have ever felt before. I almost feel guilty to say that it was more traumatic to lose Daisy than my mother. My friends and family have been by my side and I spoke to my counselor yesterday. Some moments are better than others. My whole routine is off and I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. You know when you live by yourself, having a pet makes you feel less crazy when you are talking. You don't feel like you're talking to yourself. I know in my heart I did the right thing. I also know in my heart that with time I will be alright. I am so glad I don't drink anymore, because I'd be across the street dulling the pain in a bottle of booze. It almost sounds like that might be a good thing, but luckily I've been around awhile and know that would be the worse thing I could do. Writing this has helped and knowing my friends out here I will get some heartfelt comments, so thanks in advance.
Much to my surprise, the city appears to be allowing my mother to keep the cats so long as she gets them all spayed and neutered. I visited today, however, and found a young female, not much more than a kitten herself, nursing a litter of three *tiny* kittens in the middle of the living room floor. Even though I need a cat like a hole in the head, I boxed up mom cat and the three babies, which are 2-3 days old, and took them home with me.
Hey, Dave, would you like a kitten in a few weeks? :)
Daisy was lucky to have you as her owner and you were lucky to have been so loved by her. Of course you're grieving deeply, that's how you honor a beloved friend. You are right about that in time you will be ok again, but for now let the grief wash over you, shed your tears and hold Daisy in your heart...and know you made the right decision to end her suffering.
That's what a loving friend has to do...
Now my mom is 77 years old and not completely lucid (cat hoarding is also a sign of a mental illness), so she is desperately trying to think of a solution to maintaining the status quo when there is realistically no way to do so. She is on a fixed income and cannot afford to move and take all the cats elsewhere.
I don't want to get into details, but as in many of these cases, the animals are not really being cared for properly and are not in a healthy situation. My mother doesn't see this and there's no way to convince her that an animal needs more than love and food to be well cared for.
An animal lover myself, I sympathize with her pain, but I also have to agree that the city is doing the right thing and I wouldn't want to find a way out for her, even if I could. My hope is the city will let her keep two or three.
But the way I look at it is this: You had 12 years of love and pleasure from Daisy. You are going through a lot of pain, but it will pass. To me, all those years of pleasure way outweigh the pain we have to go through.
I'm on my 5th generation of Great Pyrenees dogs now. I miss every one that has gone before. Some more than others, but I miss them all. But then you have the love and promise of a new puppy, and while that doesn't make you forget, it makes life good again.
I always stay with them to the end as you did and I think that is the least we can do for these life-long companions (not our lifetime, but theirs). I have found a poem that has helped me and others deal with the responsibility (guilt) we all feel when it is US who have to make that last decision for the cat. I hope this poem will help you or anyone who has to go through this painful end-of-life trauma. It is written from the cat's point of view as a best guess at what they would tell us if they could speak. Hugs Fenway, and what sdpoundpuppy says below about getting another is sound advice.
If It Should Be
If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep;
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle can't be won.
You will be sad, I understand;
But don't let grief then stay your hand.
For this day more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.
We've had so many happy years;
What is to come can hold no fears.
You don't want me to suffer so
The time has come; please let me go.
Take me where my needs they'll tend,
But please stay with me 'til the end
To hold me close and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree,
It was a kindness done for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I’ll be saved.
Please do not grieve that it was you
Who had this painful thing to do.
Don’t worry luv, we’ll meet once more;
At Rainbow Bridge forevermore.
(--Author Unknown--)