Let's take the survey question provided into further detail:
"You're on a date with someone and while on the date he points out other men he thinks are hot right in front of you. Does that bother you?"
I would be turned off. Some people assume that I would be insecure, however, the reason why I would feel disappointed is because of his lack of manners or etiquette to follow the understanding that there is a time and a place for everything.
If I was dating a guy for a few years and he points out a hot man, I would not be turned off because our relationship has developed trust. Pointing out a hot man on the first series of dates is rude and shows his true nature, which is always best to see as soon as you can to avoid wasting your time, money and energy.
How about you? How would you feel?
OCalig, your response it's great. I appreciate it.
In response to the intent of the original question, I say it depends...
I do agree with the idea that you treat your date with respect... Honestly, tho, even if the guy I was dating was an 8 and a smokin hot 12 passed by us, who am I to say that I wouldn't look? If it took me by surprise, then I might involuntarily gasp or say "Wow"
Do I define that proverbial scenario as disrespectful? No... As mentioned, we're guys, we notice... At different levels of awareness, perhaps, but we notice... What *would* be disrespectful is if I devote the my attention for the rest of the evening toward the hot 12 across the room...
Some people just process externally (verbally)... Maybe he's one of those guys... Me? I tend to keep it in... If by chance I exclaim involuntarily and I see that my date was offended, I might apologize and maybe cover it up a little by saying I admire the other guy's shirt... Play by ear...
Let's take the other proverbial scenario... Me and BF have been dating for a while now... Years, months... Take your pic... I don't think time is the material issue here as the premise is trust... Point is trust isn't a one-way thing... It's dished out by one party, sure, but has to be validated by the other...
So BF and I have been dating a while... He points out someone hot... Okay... That won't bug me... Have him point out a hot man on our weekly date for the next four dates, that's different... I won't immediately jump to the conclusion of "he's stepping out on me" without analyzing other factors... Context... Time frame... Whatever... But I def could see a possible scenario of declining trust with the pointing out...
(on a related note?) I don't really like using the term compromise when it comes to relationships... As a trained accountant, I'm more inclined to use a word like reconcile... Difference being compromise lends to issues of giving up something in order to move forward while reconcile goes more toward agree to disagree... Now as to what to agree or disagree with is another thing... Like the divorce paperwork, some differences are just irreconcilable...
Just my $0.02
So I do not need to re-read it. I suggest you do to see the bigger picture in how he is agrees.
". . . on the first date it's a bit much to expect your partner to know how you feel about those matters. That's what the point of dating is. To find those things you have in common,those things you don't,what's negotiable and what isn't. Just my opinion."
He also said,"Who decides what the appropriate time and place is for anything? You? Actually,if you're on a first date you get to decide what the appropriate behavior is for YOU. You can certainly have expectations about how your date behaves, but to judge them by the standards you set for yourself without them knowing what your standards are yet, is just setting yourself up for disappointment."
How can you agree with Ronboy when he is basically agreeing with what I wrote? I wrote that I would not appreciate a man's rude behavior and I therefore would not continue on the date. Whether the behavior is rude or not a match or like Ronboy, you feel eventhough he is hot, he is going to be a problem, it doesn't matter, you feel that there is something not right from the beginning and you do not need to be overly sensitive to trust your gut.
Ronboy wrote that he knew the man was overtly sexual yet he decided to carry on with the date and in the end, it didn't work out.
Bottom line is that the feeling that a spark is not felt between two people is sensed from the beginning regardless of a sexual or animalistic lust that might be bringing your crotch.
And rjzip, before you come to conclusions about a person, you need to know more information. I am not too sensitive, I know the man is rude and I am not going to train a guy how to act. It was not a match and the example I shared was one of many that night. I bit my tongue on his slightly anti-Semite comments and lack of manners. What it came down to is that he was not a man I would introduce to my family which is very important.
And I disagree on how you feel a man should be corrected. A date is when you get the chance to see a man in his behavior and you either like him or you don't. If you want to spend time correcting a guy in order how to act for you, please go ahead if you are into that. I am not. A man is who he is and you either like him or you don't.
The relationship aspect is not as easy as you think it is. I can talk till i am blue in the face to a man I really love but he cares less and vice versa. It depends on the man.
Rjzip, you are correct about how relationships need time and do require communication, that I have learned over years of long developed relationships however this doesn't apply to first dates. First dates are supposed to fun, and exciting and interesting and makes you feel wanted and loved and not obligated to settle or feel like you need to make compromised due to a man's rude behavior.
Any who, I appreciate all responses whether we agree or not, I just want to say thank you to everyone for being civil. These blogs can sometimes get intense, but guys on this site are very kind. So thanks again.
Nycbear, you seem overly sensitive and too fast to judge. People (guys) are NEVER perfect and NO MAN will ever measure up to your expectations if you don't share them and correct behavior that you find unacceptable. If someone exhibits bad manners, they need correcting, not shunning.
Your dinner date may have the healthy expectation that you would be assertive and speak your mind if you disagree with something. That way it can be aired and compromised on or avoided, etc. If you were not done with the bread during that dinner date, all you needed to do was say so. THEN he would have the chance to apologize and show what a wonderful man he really is. He might then say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were done with the bread too." He may even go on to say, "I sometimes make the mistake of assuming things, so please correct me if you find me doing that with you."
Relationships are NOT always pleasant. They take a lot of work at times. If you got serious about one of the dates you mentioned, there would come a time where you disagree on something FAR more important such as what friend or group of friends to hang out with, etc. You need to talk it out. You may need to compromise. You may need to forgive. You may need to change. All of these are difficult things to face. It would be much easier to just shun your guy simply because you don't agree and walk out, but life will be lonely of you do.
I don't set up standards for myself in minute detail. I have expectations that fall into the category of decent behavior.
For example, I had a first date, and the man was older. During dinner, the waiter came by and asked if we were finished with the bread basket. Without asking me, my date picked up the basket and said, "We are done" as if he is speaking for both of us after we discussed and concluded that we no longer want the bread. Long story short, I was turned off because he was rude and belittling. I followed my gut instinct and went for a brief stroll afterwards and decided that it wasn't a match.
Is this too harsh? Doesn't matter. I am followed my gut instincts and decided that since I will always have that negative thought attached to him, I rather just wait to see what else this world has to offer.
So, if you know that something is not right or you feel that "this guy is fucking hot and I want to bang him like there is no tomorrow, but at the same time I feel he is not a match", well, please follow the later, follow your gut instinct and spare yourself the wasted energy.
*uhm. edit.. since I only went ..con.. and not "pro" on being loyal and all that stuff you do when you are personal and intimate with someone
it's like some people behaving totally different when there's company as compared to being with them on your own..
soooo:
the much greater "trust issue" I'd have is if the guy you wanna be with plotted against you, altogether with the 3rd guy involved.. if they stepped on you.. your "whatevers", and you just felt exploited.. used.. or fooled ..
and not even that would be the worst I'd say.. a great trust breaking isse would be if your partner was brainless (or name it what he lacks, me hearties :> ... yes my ancestors did yarr :P lol) uhm.. let's say love-less enough to adapt bad things from the outside and brings them in.. whether that'`s biting til you bleed or just a plain STD ... THAT's a point which makes 1on1s difficult perhaps...
if he looks over at least I know he got some balls and a satellite :P if he asks that guy he sees if he had a partner then I know my guy's even got manners.. (and hopefully won't become a rapist "learning from the guy we just met :P") and if we then can combine as 2 couples.. why not :D
You could spin it the other way, out of 1423 respondents (so far)
835 said they would be offended or worse while 588 said they wouldnt
Percentagewise thats:
59% saying they'd be offended
41% said they wouldnt.
;)
But if someone asked me out (I rarely make the first move) and says he is looking for a serious relationship someday then I expect a higher quality experience than a trick.
If someone did that to me I would think:
"OK... we just met and you're already telling me that you are looking past me to that other guy over there who turns you on? Why are you telling me this? How shallow and tacky to ask me out to tell me the other men you find more attractive than me when we JUST met? Is this supposed to make me like you more?
Unless of course they realize on the date that they're just not that into me and want me to leave. In that case task accomplished, I'm mentally checked out now.
I coulda been home on my comfy sofa watching Big Bang Theory but instead some %@$!# asked me out under false pretenses and now I'm stuck on a date with someone who is telling me that he isn't into me and makes me feel ugly. Greeeeeat, lol
Finding someone sexy and actually flirting with them/making a move are two totally different things, I feel.
The survey was more about guys pointing out hot men, for instance, imagine if you are on a first date and during dinner
a guy walks in and your date says, "wow that man is hot."
I feel like you're telling me that you want to be with someone else but you're "stuck" with me. If you're on a date with me and tell me you like HIM better, then go say hi to HIM and let me go so I'll be on my way.