ramblings

hello i know it has been a long time since i posted anything but here i am posting a new "blog" it is ramblings, you see my mind wanders, and it also races and by me "writing" down my thought i cant sort them out. i went for my morning walk and thought.
i thought about when john was here and when he got down with cancer and asked me to clear out his email, i did as he asked but as i was clearing his email i found several emails that were replies back and forth, i recognized the email as being a friend of mine, so i opened one to find that john had cheated on me with this friend. upon more digging i found another email where he met a guy and hooked up with him. i remember the day so well because that morning we had an arguement before i went to work, he was off that day. he had left after i went to work at 6 am, at 8 am i called the house to apologize for the argument and he was not home, i tried every hours after that at 12 pm i asked could i run to my house to check on him because he wasnt answering the phone i ran home to find the door unlocked and he was gone. john was from new york and really didnt know his way around town, i got off at 2 pm......at 7 pm he called me to come pick him up he was across town he had caught the bus and went into town, he wouldnt talk to me for a few days...that happened in april 2009, i never brought it up to him. in july 2009 he was diagnosed with cancer staged at 4, in novemeber he became dependent on me and bed ridden, because he became frail and dependent upon me i never mentioned the emails i had found, i figured it was to late to bring it up at the end of his life and things were good between us.
i also thought about richard i have been thinking about him alot so left me so soon and it was an accident. i replay the morning i found him in my mind very often, that was a sad day. i really miss richard helped me in so many ways and both he and john knew when i was about to have an episode and they prepared for it and were ready. they both knew i dont like crowds, but they managed to get me out to go to stores and walk around and look and go to the park for a walk and go to movies, restuarants and the such. today, if i have to go out i am in the store for 10 minutes i get what i need and im gone i dont take the time to look around, some times when i am in a store i stop and think to myself i should look around i might find something, but still i get what i came for and get out. i go to the same stores because they are familiar to me and i know where everything is. richard used to tell me that he could tell when i was panicked in a store i dont know how i seem to be good at hiding it.
the biggest question i am asked now is why so many pets? well let me explain
1 i love taking care of them and learning about them like the diet and upkeep i love learning about different animals diets and i strive to provide the best possible diet i can, even if that mean i eat sandwhiches for the time being.
2. i am lonely, you see i have lived with someone for all i can remember, even when richard and i lived seperately we spent time together every day, they fill a void.
3 i know i am needed and loved by them.
4 when my mind wanders and races they help with that i focus on the animal i am working with and it calms me down, it helps a lot.
my biggest problem is meeting someone, usually they have an issue with me having pets, but my pets are my life and livelyhood, they are part of the reason i go out today, i have to go out to get supplies, but the other thing is my house (trailer) needs a lot of work done to it like the floors for example, me and richard started them but didnt get to finish so it is partially done people are judgemental on some things. people look at me and im not sure what they see one friend says she will always remember me for my deep compassion and my love of my animals. most people are stand offish with me, maybe i come off as needy, or rude because i am a quiet person i dont speak much. im not sure as to how they see me. most days i go to chat and chat with people in the chat room, i feel they know me better than people "here" because they took the time to get to know me and have on some level "seen who i really am" in person im quiet and i make it a rule to not bother anyone, so most of my "friends" say i have walked away, no i didnt walk away i called and they were to busy to talk and said they would call back and never did, i went by to visit and it was a bad time. i felt like i was bother these people and didnt want to be a bother. and then the other thing is when richard died and i needed my friends for support to get through it, none of them were there for me the same reasons as above, for example one who was close to richard didnt take it to well i felt badly for her so i took several items that were his over to her, and was going to visit for a while and she didnt want company that day, that was ok, the problem started when his death became asumptions and gossip she started calling me asking me personal questions about richard that i felt were not my place to provide the info on so she got distant with me and because i told her i wasnt answering any questions about gossip she had heard she quit calling, but then again she never called me to begin with she always called richard.
people tell me things and i say oh, i dont give my opinion or anything because one they dont want to hear it and 2 they turn around what you said in the first place, so i stay out of other peoples business and if i am asked whats my opinion i say i dont have one its none of my business.
do i think i will ever have another partner, no not at this times i dont see it, but im ok with it being me and my animals.