relationships

i guess i am a novelty, because you see i wont sleep with a guy on the first date, not even the third date, i have to know him for a minium of 3 months, and have spent plenty of time with him to get to know him.
you see id be ok being celibate, sex is not what im looking for, what i am looking for is a deep connection, where things are wonderful by just being in the same room, or just chatting, im fine with out sex its the last thing on my mind.
what i want is a guy to love me the same way i would love him hard very hard, you see i get attached to a person quickly, i guess it the schizophrenia, if i sleep with a guy on the first date in my mind he is my boy friend and i am focused on him. i have been hurt many times being this way, so thats why i wait to see how things go after a few months. and secondly im not looking to get hurt nor hurt another person.
sex is the added bonus of the relationship, if things work out and you are both really into each otheryou cant think of another guy nor do you want to be with one, that one your into is all you need he is the complete package.
some times i think i expect way to much, i want a guy that will love me the way i love my pets unconditionally and as hard as i love. yes i am emotional and sensitive, and yes i dont talk about whats bothering me i keep it to myself and usually work it out in my mind.
when i meet a guy online we chat i chat to see if he seems interested, but it seems when some guys find out you not really into sex they all of a sudden lose interest. you see before richard passed the last time we had sex was june of 2013, since then i had one slip up that didnt last long and left the guy baffled and confused and a bit angry. when i was with john we had sex once during the 3 years we were together, it was more sitting at the table talking, or snuggling in bed. than when we found out he had cancer it became even more intense as he wouldnt let anyone touch him after the surgery to change his bandages, he would tell them to let me do it, the last few months he stressed he wanted me to be the one taking care of him. the last few months of richards life he also stressed he only wanted me to be the one taking care of him and i did, richard died of morphine toxicity, i guess it built up in his system from not eating and drinking that last week.
me and richard were also best friends we did everything together, as did john and i.
yes i am schizophrenic and suffer from depression and im also dyslexic, but im not broken i know how to love and want to find that in a guy that doesnt see me as a novelty or just another fling. alot of people judge me by the way i have lived my life, life and the mistakes and the sucesses are lesson for you to learn and take what you can from them....................
my objective is to find a guy that can love me for who i am not expect me to change but im not sure of how to achieve this goal..............
so for now i will be celibate till i meet the right man.