my story

alot of people when they meet me for the first time say "so whats your story"
sometimes i tell them and some times i dont tell the full story because i have learned over the years people will judge you on certain things.
why am i posting it here now, more for myself, but i know any one can read it and i hope they do read it with an open compassionate mind.
richard once bought me a journal that looked like a hard cover book, asked me to write in it. i did i would spend hours writing things in that book, i filled it up, during the time i went off my meds i had a schizophrenic episode and burned the book, it was like a ritual for my i was burning my secrets getting rid of them so to speak.
i have decided with my blog i would recount things as it gives me a better look at my life, and also give others a better idea of what kind of person i am. and also i like to write or in this case type.
i dont remember much about my childhood its like bits and pieces, some times i remember things out of the blue, i have 3 older sisters some times when i remember things i ask them about it and they say it never happened. i remember spending time with my dad out side. you see before he became a police officer he ran a motorcycle shop, he worked on them and raced them, he taught all 3 of my sister to drive a motorcycle, when it came to me and i asked to learn he never would teach me how to drive one, i guess he saw something there. i remember spending time with my mother she always encouraged me to draw and color, she had a bible that when i was a toddler i colored on some of the pages with a green crayon, now my sister has it.
i remember starting school, i was in slow learner classes, and realing classes, and speech therapy during the time i was in elementary and middle school, when i started junior high i was still in LD classes, learning disabled. during my time in junior high i went to live with my dad and his wife, my parents divorced at the age of 11. his wife had issues with be being in ld classes, so one day she went and talked to counselors and got me a tutor to get me out of the classes. by the time i reached senior high i had managed to get out of the ld classes, my grades dropped drastically i went from b's and c's to d's and e's. i was a loner in school i kept to myself, i didnt have many friend i had one best friend we were in first grade together and when i switched schools i kept in contact with him, to this day we are best friends, although we only communicate on face book, and it was several years we had not spoken to each other, but when we reconnected on face book it was like old times, he has moved away traveled the world actually.
at the age of 14 things with my dads wife started going sour she didnt like me and i didnt like her, i tried really hard to be nice to her but she treated me like i was dumb, and i resented her for that. i was a mall rat i hung out at the mall on the weekends my dad would drop me off and pick me back up in the evening, alot of weekend i spent with my sisters and their families. one day while i was at the mall hanging out i met a nice soldier he was 25, he would meet me at the mall and we would hang out, he would come to my house and visit my dads wife started making anti gay comments. to be honest now i look back on it she hated everything i liked.
soon after turning 15 she got upset with me and told my dad it was time for me to go live some place else, my dad sat me down and asked me what i wanted to do, i asked to go to court and be emancipated , he did and i went to live with the soldier, i referred to him as my first boyfriend at that time. it was an awkward time for me my best friend at the school i was going to commited suicide on thanksgiving day, so i was lost so to speak.
thing seemed to be going good with the soldier, i went to school and he went to work every day. one weekend i went to the mall to hang out for a while that afternoon i went back home where he had three of his friends there they were watching a ball game and drinking, i went in the bedroom to watch tv. i was getting late so i went to get a book to read and to see if any of his friend had left they were all there still, so i figure it was going to be a thing where they all stayed over night as they were to drunk to be driving. so i went to bed.
about 2 am i woken up by him drunk and belligerent telling me his friends were horny, i went to get up to leave and he threw me down on the bed and they held me down and did what they wanted, after they were done and i was able to get away from them i left out of the house and started walking, i walked and walked i ended up at the mall, i hung around the parking lot til they opened that morning and hung out there all day trying to figure out what to do i was scared to go back. so for that week i hung out here and there. the following weekend i went to hang out at the mall, i figured i would make a day of it so i would walk around that part of town theres a shopping center on every corner but i evenually went back to the mall as i had made a few friends that hung out there to, no one really knew my situation i was ashamed to tell anyone. that night when the mall closed i was traveling on foot across the parking lot a truck pulled up beside me it was the soldier he got out of his truck and asked what the hell was wrong with me, he had been drinking, i went to walk away from him and he grabbed me and punched me breaking my nose, i fell to the ground and went to get up and he picked up a bottle and broke it across my face i have 2 slight scars from that, i fell again and he started kicking me he broke my left arm with the kicking and fractured my right arm. finally he stopped and told me that was for sleeping with his friends, got in his truck and drove off. a guy who was cutting acroos the mall parking lot passed by me and saw something bad had happened and he gave me a ride to the er, the police were called i didnt want any more trouble so i said it was a gang of people who jumped me. they called my dad and he came down and asked where i was staying and i told him from place to place, my sister offered to let me stay with her til i finished school, so i moved in with her and her husband til i finished school.
people often ask me why i am shy and afraid of people this is part of why i am but i was always shy even as a small kid, i was always a loner i never really played with the other kids in the neighborhood i kept to my self.
and yes i do have issues with groups of people, i get anxious.
during the time richard and i were broken up i dated a guy who wanted to have a 3 way and try a group, i refused to do so and we stopped dating, during the time richard and i were together we had met a nice guy who wanted to have a 3 way with us and we talked it over and did it, biggest mistake we could have made, you see richard didnt like seeing another guy top me, and i didnt like seeing richard top another guy. my view on this is i dont share and i dont play well with others, also if you truely love someone you dont need a third or anything else, that person does the trick for you.